Jennifer and I took a vacation to Jamaica alone a week after the celebration service to recoup and get away, all provided by my wonderful brother Albert and sister-in-law Jennifer, while Bry was in Virginia with the Lee's and the Lippicott's. We are so thankful Bry was able to spend such valuable time with her loving Aunts, Uncles and cousins. Emily was and has been busy with cheerleading practice and camp and traveling to the west coast with her mom. Emily was chosen to cheer for the j.v. squad as a freshman for the football season. She was happy to say the least. Jennifer, Bry and I decided to take a last minute road trip, literally last minute, to the west coast. We stayed with my cousin Sunny in southern California and had a chance to see my brother, cousins and nephews and nieces. As I have told you before, our family is quite strong and close and meeting with them helped us with our grieving by celebrating who Andrew was and what he meant to us all.
As we closed in on the Illinois border on our way back, I started to get really sad. Coming home meant that we had to pick up the pieces of what has happened the past month and a half. It meant coming home to the memories of Andrew at our place. It meant that we had to face many painful things. I have wondered if I was running away from the grieving process and I concluded that I have not. That's not like me. I usually let my emotions out and try to process things, but in this case I (we) needed to get away. But the reality is my son is dead and my grieving will take some time. I haven't cried like have cried the past few days. Everything reminds me of him. I have wailed and cried uncontrollably and it hurts so much. For those that have lost a child, you can relate, but if you haven't, it really stinks!
The funny things is, unlike my divorce, I haven't asked why this has happened. I know that there is a sovereign plan placed by my heavily father even in the midst of sickness and death. But it still stings like a !?@#%! But I must tell you, I have felt anger the past few days. My son is dead and I have felt the anger which is part of the grieving process. Because of my faith in Jesus Christ and the eternal life I am guaranteed by it, I have the hope to move through the grief. My soul longs for God, His grace and to go home to be with Him and Andrew. Psalm 42 reminds me of how I feel:
As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God? 3 My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me continually, "Where is your God?" 4 These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I went with the throng, and led them in procession to the house of God, with glad shouts and songs of thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. 5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help 6 and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. 7 Deep calls to deep at the thunder of your cataracts; all your waves and your billows have gone over me. 8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. 9 I say to God, my rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?" 10 As with a deadly wound in my body, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me continually, "Where is your God?" 11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.
Finally, I implore you all for those who have not signed up to be a potential bone marrow donor to do so in a ridiculously easy process at bethematch.org! Press here! Our wonderful friends, the Lim's, need a life saving bone marrow transplant for their son Connor. I am sure most of you who have followed this blog know of Connor's plight and the failed bone marrow transplant. You know of the special bond we have forged the past 6 months. Patients like Connor need you more than ever to be proactive and live out your faith and words by registering.
This is more than I intended to write, so I will leave you with a poem I wrote at Zuma Beach in Malibu, one of my favorite places on earth. I hope you enjoy it.
I Can’t Wait…
I can’t wait ‘till I see your beautiful face again Andrew.
The simple grin that made me so proud,
Oh so unassuming in nature but oh so loud.
I can’t wait to hear you say, “Daddy, I love you” again.
In your lifetime your words were select and few,
But you made those words count and that’s how perfectly God made you.
I can’t wait to talk about anything and everything again.
You were not only my son, but also my buddy and my friend,
Someone I could count on until the very very end.
I can’t wait to see an opening day game together again.
As father and son we saw our share and cheered our teams on,
But in heaven we will be on God’s heavenly team with all sickness, death and sin gone.
I can’t wait to see the stars together again.
On earth you looked into the nighttime sky with a childlike gaze,
In heaven one day, we will explore so many galaxies it will be like a daze.
I miss you my son and I can’t wait…
***I HAVE A SPECIAL REQUEST. IF YOU READ THIS POST, CAN YOU SHARE AN ENCOURAGING WORD OR TWO. I KNOW WE HAVE A THRONG OF SUPPORTERS OUT THERE, BUT FOR ME, IT WOULD BE NICE TO READ WORD OF SUPPORT AND LOVE. If you receive these messages via email, goto the blog site and then leave a comment at the end of the blog post.