I don't have the energy nor the compulsion to write much, but I will share a few words as the anniversary of Andrew's death is this Sunday.
I can't believe it sometimes that Andrew is really dead! It is so surreal at times, but the surreality is so closely juxtaposed with the stark reality of Andrew not being here with us. Words are so inadequate in explaining how I have feel and felt, only a parent with a lost child can only understand, even then their grief is unique until themselves. But a good metaphor of how I feel at times during a typical day is like boat being anchored and not being able to move, my heart feels "anchored" and I feel like I can't move or breathe. Anger crept up again right around prom and graduation. I recall going off on a diatribe asking God why! Why did he decide to save one person and not Andrew. With a "click" of his fingers, my dear son could have been here to enjoy prom and to graduate with his classmates. I cursed and yelled at times being so frustrated and mad. Some of you may be thinking that is so un-christian like. Well, let me tell you something, God understands. He can take it all. I am grateful my anger is not mixed with the bitterness. It's an anger which has to play it's course on this lonely and sad journey. And I have reconciled the fact I will never know fully why God chose to take Andrew "home" so early. I must admit, God can take the numerous blessings, encouragement and love Andrew's life has given to others and I would trade all that to Andrew back!
On this Sunday, the anniversary of Andrew's death we will not do anything "special", no balloons, special services, or anything extravagant, rather we will share a meal as a family and enjoy each other's company, remembering our beloved and missed Andrew. That's what Andrew enjoyed the most: Food and Family. He was a simple kid and he indeed loved his family and food;-) I will blog about grief and share some of my insights I have gained along this process later, but for now, I leave you with some pictures and a special poem. Please continue to pray for Jennifer, Emily, Bry, myself and the rest of our grieving family. Please pray for my mom, Andrew's beloved "halmunee" (grandmother in Korean) who is especially taking her grandson's death hard.
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|Andrew's classmates honoring their beloved classmate with AP initials on their caps|
|Emily accepting a degree on behalf of her brother and Andrew's classmates |
and the whole audience giving Andrew a standing ovation.
|Andrew's best buddies always gracious and loving. They miss you Drew!|
Feelings: Raw and True
A year has gone by, so fast it really seems
But I’m still encumbered by shattered dreams
My heart is so heavy, angry and blue
To these abhorred emotions I can only say, “I HATE YOU!”
This process of grief is so lonely and sad
Causing me heartache and making me utterly mad!
Andrew “My Champ”, the journey to heaven seems so far away
But I must cling to the hope I’ll see you one day
Until then, I struggle with my faith and hang by a thread
I will try to trust and obey because that’s what God said
On this one-year anniversary my emotions run deep, my departed son and friend
But I cling to the promise of what Christ did, this world a comma, not a period nor end
Words are so inadequate about how I miss you Son!
I will miss you and love you until my life here on earth is done.
I LOVE YOU!