Saturday, June 14, 2014

Another Father's Day......

Hi Everyone.  It has been a while since I last posted.  Life has been busy with school and work.  I am out for summer break from Ogden, but I am teaching summer school for 6 weeks.  As far as Trinity and the teaching certification, there is light at the end of tunnel, as student teaching will soon be upon me in January.  Classes are going well and I will have my first real break from school after this Wednesday's class, having two weeks off!  

Well, as the title of this post reads, I will be celebrating another Father's Day without Andrew:-( In fact, Andrew's two year anniversary of his death will be upon us this June 30th! Two years!!! I can't believe it:-(  I miss him dearly and that is a total understatement.  How am I doing with the grief?  I suppose I am doing well, but it amazes me that there are some people out there that don't understand what grief is, how it affects a person, and how it will for the rest of their life.  You just "don't move on"!  Grief and it's process is analogous to a hole in a heart that gradually closes, but never closes completely.  The nature of grief is as such; you will live with it for the rest of your life.  It has become an unwelcome partner as I sojourn this earth.  This is my "new" normal and I don't pretend to ignore it, for I know this is a never ending process. So I have reluctantly embraced it, embraced it from the beginning, and I know that because of this I am in a much better better place.

I am so grateful to God that I have had more better day than bad.  However, I still cry everyday, some days being worse than others.  As I have explained before, the grieving process is not linear and the various facets of grief may creep back in one's life at anytime, no matter where you are in the process and how far you are removed from the traumatic experience.  In fact, I struggled with immense anger that made a surprise appearance  a few months ago, which lasted for a month or so.  I am not sure what ignited the flames of anger, but I struggled with God and why He would allow my son to leave me and his loved ones.  I pounded fists into pillows and the ground, crying in anger in sadness, all the while asking why!  I won't get into the theological reminders of God's sovereignty, but all I can say is that God gave me a modicum of peace, reminding me that I will be reunited with Andrew soon in heaven.  

As a father, I have been reminded a lot of Andrew and how I loved being his father.  Every time I see the White Sox on t.v., I can't help but think of Andrew and how we bonded through sports.  Andrew was not the most verbose young man, but you knew when he was enjoying time with his pops.  That's what Andrew was about, he loved spending quality time with people, especially his dad.  As I sit in my recliner watching t.v., I often times look back at the empty comfy couch where Andrew would be firmly anchored watching t.v. with me and say, "How 'bout that Drew!"  And I imagine him quickly firing a wide grin right back at me.  I miss the little things that Andrew and I would do.  I miss camping with Andrew and looking up at the stars.  I miss his laugh and his big bear hugs.  I miss him being goofy around his family.  I miss his infectious wide smile where his eyes would dissolve into jovial little slits.  

I just plain and simple I MISS HIM BEING AROUND AND ME BEING HIS DAD!!!!  As I have said before, I would give all the blessings Andrew and our family have given to people throughout our journey back, to have Andrew back in my life!  

I wish I could be more of an encouragement and give you some wonderful Bible verse to encourage you all, but I can't at this moment.  God's love and his grace are so ever magnanimous, but I don't feel them at this moment, rather I feel the sharp pieces of shrapnel from grief in my fragile heart.  Yes, I will enjoy my time with Emily and Bry on Father's Day, but something is missing and that something will never ever be abled to be replaced. So, I am resigned to the fact Father's Day will not be same ever again.  I have come to grips with this sobering reality, but I mourn it.  

Thank you for those that continue to pray for me and my family.  They are greatly appreciated.  While we are on the topic of prayer, there are some urgent prayer requests I have.  I posted a few month about a little girl named Ava Lee who is battling a form of Leukemia.  She is a very sick girl who is undergoing chemo.  The chemo protocol has had it's trials and tribulations, as Ava has had a severe allergic reaction to a drug in the protocol and a crucial one to eradicate the cancer.  I ask that you pray that the next bone marrow biopsy would show completer remission with no cancer cells in the bone marrow.  Here a list of prayer requests that are on Ava's blog:

Please pray for:
1) Ava's complete healing; MRD negative (permanently!)
2) Gwen and her allergies - may God bring revelation and insight and healing to Gwen as well
3) Mike & Esther, for overall strength, perseverance and REST all at the same time.
4) Anything else you have on your heart to pray for.

Please goto there blog for details and to read up on Ava's journey thus far:

I hate cancer and it's insidious nature! I pray for a day where all pediatric cancer is eradicated, not to mention all cancers!  Please pray to our Lord, that His mighty hand will be on Ava and her family.  Thanks!.


Daddy misses you so much!  Last week there was to be a spectacular meteor shower and I ended up staying up late into to the night waiting in anticipation. The copious amount of "shooting stars" forecasted never came to fruition, but something special happened.  The only "shooting star" I saw was one that streaked across the sky and went directly into the "Big Dipper"!  I thought that was a wink at me, was it?  I want to believe it was.  I could imagine you in exuberant glee, asking Jesus to shoot that star into "Our Big Dipper":-)  I can see your big smile and you jumping up and down asking for the favor.  Well, son,  I can say that the hours of waiting was worth it.  I miss you dearly!  Can you see Dad? Anyway, I am glad you are healthy and in eternal bliss!  I know because you loved and acknowledged Christ on this Earth, you are in heaven fellowshipping with believers that went before you and ones that you continue to meet.  I love son, rest on glory's side and as each day goes by, it's one day closer to seeing you again.  

Dad xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoox